Job Interview
Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
Me: I’m brutally honest
Interviewer: I don’t think that is a weakness at all.
Me: I don’t give a f**k what you think.
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The Farmer and The Hitchhiker
A farmer picks up a hitch hiker on his way back to his farm. The farmer asks: Do you need a place to stay for the night? You can sleep in my barn, but you have to leave tomorrow.
The hitcher agrees to this and is happy to have a roof over his head.
The next morning the farmer comes out to the barn and sees the hitch-hiker sitting on a bucket, with all sorts of animals around him. The farmer asks what he was doing and the hitch-hiker replies: Oh, yeah, well I can talk to animals.
The farmer does not believe him and asks him to prove it.
Well, said the hitch-hiker, that is your horse Delilah, you ride her every morning along your fence line to make sure there is no gaps or damage.
The farmer is dumbfounded by this, but agrees with his statement.
That is your cow Bess, you milk her every morning after you ride Delilah. The farmer replies “That is amazing! You are absolutely right.
The hitch hiker goes on and says: These are your sheep… at this point the farmer cuts him off yelling, “THOSE SHEEP ARE F**K**G LIARS!”
LOL! LMAO
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Trump Supporters Go To Heaven
St. Peter greet them at the Pearly Gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they’d like to know before meeting God.
The first guy asks: What was really in Hillary’s emails?
Nothing incriminating really, replies St. Peter.
The other guy looks over and whispers: Wow! This goes higher than we thought.
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Keys Locked in Car
I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic…
Oh boy, they get real angry… if you go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger.
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Married / Divorced In Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
They asked St. Peter, “can we still get married in heaven?” St. Peter replied, I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked, let me go find out.
Two months passed and St. Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they begin to wonder: What would happen if it did not work out; could they get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking exhausted. Yes, he informs the couple, you can get married in heaven.
Great, said the couple! But we were just wondering. What if things don’t work out, could we also get a divorce in heaven?
ST. Peter red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground… “What’s wrong? asked the frightened couple. OH COME ON, St. Peter shouted”, “it took me three months to find a priest up here, do have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”
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A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide……..
The Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who is gonna bring it back?
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Never bang someone old enough to be your mother….. especially if you were adopted.
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